Suspending Fear, Refusing (SELF) Judgment

When you are reviled  for past ugliness, and you know you deserve it,  it's hard to go on. It's hard to be forward thinking and not consumed by a dull, background hum of defeat. Apologies done,  now the solution is to shed the power of the accuser by faith, through belief in One Greater who promises restoration. By that faith, you become more than your past.  THEN you SHOULD be able to put on love.  But there is the rub.  He does restore and He does forgive and heal.  People, on the other hand, are not Him. When you don't get the same message from your betters, what then?

Heading to church in an hour. Think LOVE, not fear of judgement. PUT - ON - LOVE  (Colossians 3:14 (New International Version, ©2011) ...

"And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

"My goal is that their hearts, having been knit together in love, may be encouraged, and that they may have all the riches of understanding of the knowledge of the mystery of God, namely Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." - - Colossians 2:2-3 

LORD, keep me from feeling small over a past I cannot change, focused instead on your mandate to plan acts of love, and be about building a future I can change. 

Outgoing Mail

Outgoing mail this morning:

Thank you note to good ol' Roberta, age 93. We love that sprightly gal.

BD Note to friend. Home-made, took less than 30 mins.

Third: another apology note ( ! ), this one related to AmZyg's moral inventory theme. Hearkens back to a gathering in our church parking lot to welcome home a daughter after her two weeks away on a church missions trip.  The first one off the bus was a paid staff member whose t-shirt sported a loud and large ABERCROMBIE & FITCH across the upper chest.  My mouth spang into action, as it is sorely wont to do. Pulled my jaw up off the pavement and (prob'ly) waved my finger, "You wore THAT all the way home, representing our church?"

My dear daughter, ashamed and embarrassed, scolded me. I've never been off the hook, really.  Now and then, I'd stew over [recognize the theme?] feeling misunderstood, and ponder how I might educate my kids and this pastor re: the horrific reality of who these AF people are. {uh, isn't your son one now? cosmic jokes abound...} Was I out of  bounds to expect everyone to just KNOW how orgy-istic Abercrombie is?  To expect staff on a baptist payroll to just KNOW that FocusOnTheFam staged protests in 2003 over catalogs that went from vaguely pornicious to vulgarly pornicious?

No. You were just out of bounds for wanting to shame someone in public.

Obtaining that 2003 catalog has been on my mind ever since. Seemed like an obvious means by which to defend myself, but I only got around to doing the Amazon search this February.  Had a brilliant idea to just print out one offending page, since the whole obscene thing runs $15, so I did, & then left the ugly thing out on my kitchen desk. It got just the disgusted reaction I expected: various kids and hubby kept flipping it upside down so they wouldn't have to look at it. {OS, the AF sell-out, prob'ly wasn't one of them.} I grilled them, "Instead of hiding the image, why don't you become outraged and vow to alert AF that you oppose this?" No response.

I guess they oppose my outrageous outrage more than they oppose porn, and I suppose I have myself to blame for that.  It's not about porn, it's about my demeanor. My anger management issues  have spawned a litter of porn permissive offspring. Great.

Nevertheless.

I finally ran across Mr. AF t-shirt wearer one day last week, and what'ya know, the print-out was actually in a file I was carrying.  I begged him for a minute of time, showed him the despicable scene, explained that I'd taken a lot of heat for my alarm that day, and asked him to indulge me in my desire BE UNDERSTOOD. He was nonplussed; like he was used to seeing that kind of junk all day everyday. He shrugged and described how he DID actually walk out of AmericanApparel recently after seeing their in-store posters.  Ah! He maybe gets it. SOMEONE gets it. I wanted to tell him  about my anti-American Apparel billboard "campaign" last summer, but he'd already had enough of me. And I didn't want to learn his protest was just a one-time thing, that he probably just orders their stuff on the web now...  Accommodation to 'undress' is just the way of the world, and as the world goes, so goes my church, my friends, my kids... ug.

(This IS the man, btw, whose single greatest contribution to OS's life was to persuade him that guys should walk around the house in only speedo underwear. Seriously. He comes home from a weekend retreat strutting his stuff in brand-new Hanes, scoffs at my exasperation, and, well, another battle ensued that day... Least he didn't wear the G-Unit cap from the same pastor, as he strutted.)

Nevertheless, a written apology was called for.  It was insensitive to give him no warning that I was about to flash a page of porn in his face, and it was insensitive to force his attention when he was in a hurry to get somewhere.  And it's definitely childish to feel defensive over the matter five years after the fact.  But AmZyg admits, that's just who she is. A happy four year old who's grudge holder setting is stuck on Overlydramatic Overdrive.

With the clock ticking on my nine month count down, I still have a few more amends to complete:

-There's the college room-mate to whom I owe a twenty seven year old apology for picking a fight over how to squeeze the toothpaste tube. We refused to speak to each other after that. She lives where? Irvine?
-There's that university professor I lied to about finishing my senior project, so technically, I did not really earn my B.A.
-And then there's the YMCA summer camp director who I finally chatted with last month, but who, when I asked to meet, hung up on me!

Oh, I hate my life.  Ya know that previous post about "getting prayer back"? Lie.

Mostly.

Stand True Ministries: No one says it better

An answer to people who are asking me why we want to completely defund Planned Parenthood when they do so many other good things.

It seems many people don’t understand the full scope of what Planned Parenthood is; the name itself is so deceiving that is causes confusion.  Planned Parenthood has done a good job of painting themselves as an organization that is there to help women and keep them safe; nothing can be further from the truth. Lets start with the something that should automatically discount everything they do: abortion.  I hate using the word abortion because it is an attempt to sanitize the act of killing a human child. Planned Parenthood also uses terminology like “terminate a pregnancy” in their attempt to dehumanize the child in the womb. Planned Parenthood not only specializes in abortion, but they are the nation’s largest provider of abortion. In 2009 Planned Parenthood killed over 25% of the babies who were killed by abortion in the US.  They are so focused on abortion that they mandated earlier this year that all of their affiliates must provide abortion. The fact is that even if they just killed one child per year, we should have nothing to do with them, let alone the 332,278 abortions Planned Parenthood claims to have done in 2009.  If we were talking about an organization that killed three-year-olds as part of their business, no mater how minute a part, this topic would not even be open for discussion. Planned Parenthood also claims that the taxpayer money does not actually pay for abortions.  This is an insane argument, as the money still goes to the organization and the organization is killing babies.  If that taxpayer money helped pay for the rent on the building where the abortions take place, the electricity that powered the suction machine used to do the abortion and the salary of the “doctor” who performs the abortion, then taxpayer money is paying for abortions. How about birth control? Doesn’t Planned Parenthood offer free or cheap birth control to women who cannot afford it?  This is another question that many people have asked me lately. There are several problems with this argument to keeping Planned Parenthood funded.  First of all, it really makes no sense to me why I should have to fund other peoples sex lives.  Planned Parenthood would argue that the government needs to stay out of people’s bedrooms, and that they have no business knowing what goes on or regulating sexual activity.  If that is the case, then how can they argue that the government should use our tax dollars to fund what goes on in the bedroom? The other issue with this argument is that fact the much of this birth control can be abortifacient in nature, meaning it can cause early abortions. Every form of chemical birth control has a mechanism that makes the uterine wall hostile to embryos, which causes early abortions when break-through ovulation occurs.  For more detailed information on this topic go to: http://www.epm.org/resources/2010/Feb/17/short-condensation-does-birth-control-pill-cause-a/ Yes, Planned Parenthood also does provide some other services such as STD testing, although they have now renamed it STI testing.  In their pursuit to lesson the stigma of promiscuity and youth sexual activity, they now changed the term to Sexually Transmitted Infection.  The word infection, like abortion, is a sanitized and minimized term meant to lesson any stigma. Let’s not forget the beloved founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger.  Sanger is still honored by Planned Parenthood every year with the Margaret Sanger Award.  This alone should be enough to make everyone’s hair stand on end, as Sanger was an ardent eugenicist and hate-filled racist. The racism was also documented in some of the first undercover stings preformed by Live Action.  Phone calls to Planned Parenthood asking to donate money to kill black babies were received happily.  Over the past several years, videos were released by Live Action showing Planned Parenthood covering up child rape, sex trafficking and pimps seeking services for 13-year-old prostitutes. Margaret Sanger’s Racist Comments here: http://wp.me/pKipa-7W See Live Actions Video Stings here: http://www.liveaction.org/traffick I will offer another simple analogy. Imagine if you were donating money to your neighbor who was handing out free food for poor people in your neighborhood.  This might be one of the only sources of affordable healthy food for many people in your neighborhood.  Then one day you find out this neighbor also was giving food to several child molesters so they can keep the children they are molesting alive.  He is also killing some of the toddler children of parents who no longer want to take care of those kids. Would you still donate to him because you wanted to make sure the good work he was doing could continue?  Would you be against law enforcement shutting him down because then those poor people could not get food? Think about this: Planned Parenthood murders young children — over 300,000 of them in 2009.  Planned Parenthood has been caught red-handed offering help to pimps and sex traffickers and should be shut down and investigated for criminal charges. So my answer is yes; even though there are things they do that could be perceived as beneficial or good, I want Planned Parenthood defunded and shut down. They remind me of a dentist standing out on the street corner after school handing out “free” candy every day, knowing that when the kids have tooth decay, he will recoup all of his candy expenses on their fillings. For Christ I stand, Bryan Kemper

Adieu, Dr. Nathanson

With heavy heart from hearing an American Hero is no longer with us, I can only pray that Dr. Bernard Nathanson mentored replacements to occupy his truly great place in the history of Guardians of the American Zygote.

Fearing he did not, my already heavy heart is yet further weighed down.

God heal our land. God bless Kieth Mason & family. May his great heart dwarf Dr. Nathansen's.

Chuck Smith No More

An early start to a typical Valentines Day (except for the part where I kept coughing on DH, & ran out of Kleenex because last Friday I !ran out! of Zycam...), the 6am Valentines exchage included DH's annual humorous good nature: homemade, hot off the printer, insightful & timely.  He's a genius in the Valentine dept. I went back to bed for the ultimate common cold cure, BEDREST. Darn the iPhone, however, as it's been 2 hrs. of emails and websurf, but NO REST. I blame D#1, Bryan Kemper, and Chuck Smith. The former's email documented the latter's incomprehensibly spineless pro-abortion waffling, and so my viral state continues in every way physiologic, Apple-technic, and metaphoric.

My email response, below, betrays my usual acerbity, proof that AmZyg still has a long way to go before growing up and OUT of angry arrogance. I will try to rest now, under the judgment of my Creator and my own worse self.

Only 2.5 months to go before I am 50. What a burden. As if I were not already in a lamentable state, my Valentine of 28 yrs. (+/- 3 break ups) told me I need to DO SOMETHING to halt my lately balding pate. PHILIPPIANS 4 would have me joyful at this sentiment. It indicates that my DH is finally growing serious about his convictions.

---...---...---...---...---...---...---

My email to Pastor Smith:

"We briefly met in the hallway of your Logos Bldg. You sampled my husband's meatballs served to a gathering of Eagle Forum guests & speakers; & we've since boasted to friends/family that 'Hey! Chuck SMITH likes Hubby's cooking...'

But after hearing you equivocate on the SANCTITY of all human life, we will boast no more, sir. We are awestruck and heartsick, & can't help but surmise what other areas of moral compromise must be at work in your life for this counter-intuitive conclusion to be reached??  [OH, I shudder to have stooped to the hypocritical tactic of finger pointing.]  Else, what Bible-based pastor could possibly counsel a woman to "deify" her doctors by holding their Darwinist opinions above Scripture & concede to kill her own offspring? Doctors are not Gods. The AMA's humanist agenda cultivates demi-gods bent on secularizing their realm. You, sir, above all others, should have seen right through their advice.

[I did not, in my headachey state, begin to address all that was offensive in Pastor Smith's answer to 'Nikki from Riverside' --see Youtube link from Mr. Kemper's StandTrue.com. It allowed that we may do whatever we wish in this life, and that the Compassionate Christ, who forgives all sin, will just look the other way!  If this 'anything goes' sense of the Gospel doesn't indicate some morally abased compromise happening in someone's head or heart or doctrines, then AmZyg is not a wily sinner who's own record of justifying sin (pride? anorexia? bulimia? premarital sex? unfaithful anger?) has resulted in untold harm and sizable counseling bills... We cannot just wish away our willful behaviour on the un-biblical, semi-RomanCatholic assumption that "Jesus will just take away my sins." A Just God will press hard into us the ultimatums of right versus wrong, and His judgments are sure and heavy and painful when we refuse to surrender to what His Spirit & Scripture declare is Right. Certainly, when we repent, healing happens in time, and His forgiveness can be real, but the pain of a Believer's regret is a heavy price to pay for wrongheaded willfulness, and the toll it exacts is a lonesome distance between our repentant selves and His ready healing --Lamentations 3 to Psalm 130. This new mindset, if that is what this is, is surely the Emergent Church I keep hearing about.]

I am praying Nikki will get the benefit of true wise counsel and submit to the Awesome Sovereign God of ALL creation, rather than live out her life with the unconscionable memory of blood on her hands.

And the same for you, sir.

Sincerely, Elena Flores Blanco"

Sent from my iPhone

Super God

It felt like failing to curtsey before the king.

Holding a two hour long story time & hike to Turtle Pond at a County park without being able to recommend the Creator Savior responsible for it all, was like giving twelve children a bag of potato chips and not a drop of milk to wash it down.  I ache at the feeling following me around all evening, that I was rude to a KING.

Thus, to honor this CreatorSaviour, AmZyg is pondering the three months remaining before she must necessarily become 'grown up';  a self respecting fifty year old American citizen-survivor of laws which make it legal to kill a child throughout all nine months of pregnancy.

From a little brochure by L. Brenegan, 2004/LittleOnePublishing.com:

"Month 6. 'I am fourteen inches! I'm sitting up straight now!' 
The baby's oil and sweat glands are functioning; these help regulate body temperature. A white filmy layer covers the baby and protects her delicate skin from the surrounding amniotic fluid and from scratches as she twists and turns. This waxy substance will be quickly absorbed into her skin soon after she is  born. She can now respond to sound. Her lungs are fairly well developed and she would stand a good chance of survival if born at this time."

As Super Bowl champions return inflated to Green Bay and the defeated Steelers sulk home to Pittsburg, our nation sighs under the pains of opulence. What comes supersized always exacts a fallout. Nehemiah 9-11.

And thoughts of cherished survivors listening to today's reptile and amphibian stories will haunt my thoughts & prayers.

Mere Poetry

If I can believe my Good Earth Tea tag, John Adams said, "You will never be alone with a poet in your pocket."

That is why gardening captures the soul.  Since nature declares God's poetry, then weeding in The Midst, one is never alone.  Unhealthy as it may seem, solo stints in the public gardens where I donate time are reparative, cleansing, thrilling; and yet as calming as an hour with Scott or Stevenson. Unplugged, uninterrupted, birdsonged, sublime.

But sometimes there is a loudmouth in proximity, usually in the flock of volunteers that serve a particular garden area at the same time each week.  One recoils from within, doubled over in emotional abeyance, wishing to be anywhere else... enduring the exaltations of this one fellow's petty grievances and lonely proclamations that spoil the salve that is a well tended garden.  I  understand he is most to be pitied but my practiced patience is mere feigned interest in his conversations.

Would that I could really love from The True Heart of Christ. (That would be like having patience with a narcissistic son. I have so, so far to go.) I ponder the fact that I am assigned to this pack, this gardening team, because I was prone to prune outside the bounds; caught resenting an authority who said NOT to uncover the hidden cafe sign, but I meanly pruned anyway, revealing my own narcissism, even if the spanish tiled sign was now visible for the first time in well over a year. So, this suffering is born of my own rebellion! I am my OS's mother.

PS...
RE: rifled poetry
I think you were on to me, Daughter#1. I did mess with your poetry the other night. You left your laptop open, and when trying to find a podcast on bee hives, there it was, a 'Book I' in the making: 47 pages of your writing from high school to early college. I wondered 'how long till you notice my meddling??' Ah, some 24  hours later, i heard you mutter some lament @ a ...hacker?  You waved me off when I inquired, so that means you like my edits?

Maybe leave your laptop off from now on.  You know how I crave polished poems. And do delete Zubeo if you like. I have not had one hour at home to listen all week. Someday, when it's my time to paint, maybe.

---Your mum, aka, Clean Freak.