SOHLS: Sanctity of. Human Life. Sunday.

This day use to be the circled box around which the entire calendar year revolved. I made it my purpose to insure 1200 bulletin inserts were ordered for the Sunday bulletin, at least once paid for out of my own (husband's) pocket. There was a literature table. Videos. Volunteers. All because some good soul handed me a full-color glossy leaflet at the Stanislaus County Fair sometime in the mid 70's. There was much red. The gauze, the fluids, the hacked apart baby. I was stunned, stymied, outraged. And then I forgot about it.  A UCSD classmate named Mike Ebert awaked the outrage in the early 80's when he sponsored a campus wide showing of the video, "Assignment Life." Mike went on to become a missionary in Japan. I went on to... write a letter to the editor. To the campus newspaper's credit, they published it, and I'm sure my pride glowed for years over my stellar effort.

Then a pregnancy. A hastily planned wedding. A Dallas Theological Seminary pastor who chided me for being such a sinner. My head was down, but my purpose growing. Dobson. Bauer. Colson. My calling became sure, thanks to these better men. Then, a move to another city ...and "Operation Rescue."

Enter furrowed brows, more shunning pastors, subtle disapprovals. One chronic visage spoke a continual 'you are not welcome here.' This time, it wasn't over my scarlet letter. I guessed it was because I am angry, prone to outbursts; generally offensive; and I heard once that I look like someone she once hated.  Being a non-relational child of dysfunction, not prone to thrive in a Nice People Only church, I just tried to ignore it, hoping and even praying that one day, by osmosis, I might become One Of Them... and now 22 years have gone by. Against my better judgment, we stayed. And I am still waiting.

DH insisted we stay. I certainly floated the Let's Get OUTa Here idea. He insisted that resolution is our duty. Reconciliation was our calling. Of course he was right, so, I placed a call one day. Asked this wife if we could talk. Take a walk. She said NO. I recall the phrase, "I am sure I do not want to do that." It's been some twelve or fifteen years, so I'm sure I've embellished it some. But the message was clear. I was not welcome to go near this person.  I have been sure to steer clear. And scowl back.

Another pastor, ensconced behind his big pastor desk, surrounded by tall shelves full of big pastor books, scowled as he looked up from his work one day. I was directing worship dramas, and I'd been told he had acted well in years prior. I poked my head in and asked if he'd help me out; let me cast him in the next drama. He growled at me to leave him alone and not EVER ask him again. Ouch.

This same pastor, years later, promised to secure a Donald Sunukjian sermon tape I'd ordered for $3. He never delivered, and I never pursued it, but I do often see $3-bills upon his face when he walks by.  (How did I muster the courage to even bring it up? Repeated affronts should've kept my head spinning enough to steer clear of him, too.)

Why do we go here again?

OK, so, the point is, after a few Celebrate Recovery pointers, I am supposed to be able to set all this to rights. I now have the tools to forgive and heal, become better and less deserving of scorn.  The babies I used to pray for outside abortion mills and the mothers I used to bless with volunteer time at a shelter will all manage just fine without my service while I sort this all out, take refuge in a sweet preschool classroom, and wait for grace.

Broken. But not
Forgetful enough to be
Mindful that my self-doubt
Stalls my service to the least of these.

O HOLY YWH. Help my childish heart.

End the national tragedy of our forgetting You.

--- --- --- ---
"The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty!
Let all the earth rejoice!
He wraps himself in light, and darkness tries to hide!
It trembles at his voice.

CHORUS(1):
How great is our God, sing with me!
How great is our King, and all will see. 
How great is our God!

VERSE(2):
And age to age He stands
and time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
The Godhead, three in one: Father, Spirit, Son;
the Lion and the Lamb.

CHORUS(2)
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing: How. GREAT. IS. our King."
--Chris Tomlin, slightly amended